The Realization Set In

Monday took a toll on me…emotionally, physically, mentally…pretty much in every way possible. Jason left me yesterday to serve our country in Iraq. A question: When will I stop crying every day, at every slow song, whenever I see another happy couple, or whenever I look at a picture of us? Personally, I don't think that it will get easier, at all, I just pray that the days go quickly and that I can learn to control my emotions and deal with what I'm feeling.

Thank goodness that my momma was with me after he left, because she had to do everything short of keeping me from just collapsing on the asphalt in a heap of tears. Just when I thought I had no more tears left, my eyes somehow found more. This is definitely an adjustment that I'm really struggling with making. I've gone from being a wife who saw her husband every day just yesterday, to a wife who no longer lives with her husband and lives for his phone calls today. My friends at home probably think I'm avoiding them, but I just need time to acclimate, so to say. A few days to figure out my role back in a place that has always been home but now somehow feels wrong because my husband is no longer here.

Ohh, and the nights, the nights are the worst. The first night was really bad. When I finally got to bed close to one, I fell into bed, smelled Jason's scent on the sweatshirt he wore before he left that was lying on my pillow, and cried myself to sleep. Granted I was so spent from the roller coaster ride of a day that it didn't take long (thankfully), but when I woke up right before 7, I had no idea where I was and felt like the past 24 hours was just a horrible nightmare and that it couldn't possibly be reality. Once I realized it wasn't, all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, and I did until 8:30 when I woke up again and the realization set in all over. I just pray that God will get me through this, and that time will pass quickly. Now, I know you're not supposed to wish away time, but when the man that has your heart is what seems like a million miles away, I think it's more than justified.

So, what now? For the next 6-12 months, I guess I have to adapt and find ways to get through each day, one at a time. I will live for the day that I see that bus pull up and my man run down the steps, running towards ME. THAT is the thought that will get me through. Until then, I will love him, miss him, be overjoyed when my phone rings and it's him, cry at his emails and letters, squeeze my pillow at night, pray for his safety, long for his touch, and wait, and I will wait, because he his my love and I am his.